


I Am Who I Am?

by musikurt



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-18
Updated: 2010-07-18
Packaged: 2017-11-03 03:54:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musikurt/pseuds/musikurt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oliver writes about his new feelings he doesn't quite understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am Who I Am?

Dear Journal,

I'm not sure what to think anymore. It really felt like my entire world had been toppled over and all the blood was rushing to my head. I felt a sense of panic pretty much all the time for days and I worried that if I didn't get this all sorted out soon, it was going to completely overtake me. I was having trouble concentrating on even the slightest things. Even Quidditch, the thing I thought I'd always loved more than anything, couldn't capture my attention for more than a few minutes. I could tell the rest of the team was getting frustrated and I needed to beat this before the next match or we were in for some trouble. And studying for exams and writing essays? Out of the question, quite simply.

As I think about it, I cannot pinpoint where it all started or even why. I know one day when I looked at him in the corridor, my typical desire to punch him in the face was replaced with an overwhelming urge to take him in my arms and hold him. Understandably, this made me uneasy and apparently this was visible on my face because he gave me a dirty look in response and made a comment about me "looking a but more ugly than normal." I didn't even hear what he had said, I was so lost in a daze. It was Percy who asked my later why I didn't snap back with my typically witty responses that had defined the nature of our interactions since our first year at the school.

For the next few days, I tried to explain away this feeling. Maybe I was ill that day. Maybe I had just been working myself so hard that I was going delirious from the exhaustion. Perhaps it was the beginnings of a witty comment I was planning to make at his expense that just misfired in my head and fell short of words. But none of these explanations, while plausible considering how things were going at the time, left me feeling at ease. The more I tried to repeat them to myself, the more false they seemed.

After a few days, I decided maybe I should test the waters and I went out of my way to make sure I'd pass him in the corridor again between classes. Uneasy, I made my way around the corner, knowing that he'd most likely just be exiting the classroom to my left. And when I saw him, the feeling came rushing back. I could feel my heart beating and I felt mesmerized as I watched him walk away. It's a good thing he didn't see me frozen there, or I'm sure he would have taken the opportunity to enact some sort of abuse. Or worse, he might have had a realization about the thoughts that were playing over and over again in my head. It wasn't until he turned the corner to go down the stairs at the end of the corridor that a real awareness of my surroundings returned. I sat down on a nearby bench, trying to calm my breathing and working very hard not to think about what had just happened. I wanted to try to think about it all in detail and sort it out, but my anxiety level was so high that I knew it was going to have to wait until later.

After that experience, I sulked back to the Common Room, thankfully not running into anyone on the way. I was still trying my best to keep my thoughts off of the two strange incidents that had occurred in the past week and certainly not allowing my mind to center on the young man who seemed to be the cause. It was all so foreign to me; it felt like I was a guest in someone else's mind. There was a great deal of commotion in the Common Room when I reached the tower, so it was not difficult to slip through without being seen and up the stairs into the dormitory. Unable and unwilling to deal with this, I curled up in my bed and quickly fell asleep.

The dreams I had that night were even more frightening. It was not one long dream, but rather a series of scenes involving the apparent object of my affection. They started out very innocuous, us just sitting in the Great Hall chatting. Each scene, however, seemed to go a bit further until in one scene I remember giving him a kiss. I remember this totally freaking me out in the dream, because I felt completely conscious of what was occurring even though I found I had no ability to control my actions. The next scene involved my taking off his shirt--thankfully I woke up before it could go any further.

I was very slow to get ready that morning, not wanting any sort of additional stress or panic to set me over the edge. I had not confided in any of my dorm mates, not only because I wasn't sure any of them would understand, but I was still struggling to learn for myself what exactly it was I should be confiding. I mean, I had never felt my heart skip a beat when I saw another boy before. Those feelings had always been reserved for some of the attractive girls in class.

And that's when it started to hit me. I had never felt like that before EVER. There had never been a boy who made me feel that way, true, but there had never been a girl, either. I knew what attractive girls looked like and I had definitely heard from some of my friends that some of the girls in our year made them feel exactly this way. But none of them ever did that for me. That's not to say I never found myself developing feelings for a girl, but looking back, they always felt forced. It was almost as if I built those relationships because it's what I thought was expected or because I knew it was how it was supposed to be, rather than being a part of anything even remotely organic.

So as I went through my classes that day, I started to struggle with what it meant if it was a boy that made me feel this way, if it was a boy who haunted my dreams. Was this a one-time thing? Was it just a creeping curiosity? Or did it mean that this was going to define who I want to be with in that way? It was never something I had considered before, so it made sense that the others started to notice that I was lost in thought.

Percy expressed concern over lunch, but I told him I was just trying to save my energy for the upcoming match against Slytherin. And then I started to panic again. What would happen in the match? Would I be distracted by him the whole time? Would I be able to focus at all on trying to keep them from scoring a goal? When a little voice inside me answered back "I wouldn't try to stop him from scoring on me if that's what he wanted" with a hint of innuendo, I knew I couldn't wait to figure this out any longer.

Last night, I tried to discreetly look about the dormitory as everyone was changing and getting ready for bed. If I was attracted to males, then I should be able to find someone in the room who looked good to me, no? I had seen them change several times before, and while I remember occasionally stopping my gaze on a couple of the particularly good looking boys, I always felt it was an admiration like one admires a beautiful piece of art - there's no denying beauty. But I quickly learned that was a rationalization that had allowed me to avoid having to come to terms with this idea long before last night. Those classmates I had gawked at before, were definitely very attractive and I actually found myself having some momentary fantasies of touching their naked torsos or putting my had behind their heads and planting a kiss square on their lips. This shocked me slightly, so I quickly looked away, finished my last few tasks and went to bed.

So now, I think I know, but I still don't know what to do. I don't think there is any way that he is going to reciprocate these feelings. I mean, even if he felt the same way, there is no way that would go over with his house or his team, and it certainly would not go over with mine. But at least I now feel a bit less panicked about it all and hopefully with each passing day I can become more comfortable with it. I am definitely not ready for anyone else to know, but maybe someday soon I can let my friends know this part of me that it has taken so long for me to find. And while I am uncertain how they might react to all of this, I hope a negative reaction will not lead me to deny who I am, as I have heard many wizards in the past have felt compelled to do. Thankfully I am friends with some amazing people and I feel like even if they are not completely comfortable with the idea, they will accept me for who I am. If only I could say the same for him...


End file.
